She Dances Over Graves

 

 

I have begun a new journey, a journey of healing from abuses that came, tragically, through relationships in my life. God is faithful! And I am so excited about this journey, about all that it will lead me into…

I am also scared. I have done my best to manage the pain of my past, and to surrender it to God. I have forgiven to the best of my God-given ability. But there are remnants that I have always known still needed to be dealt with. Now the time has come, and I must be vulnerable again with my heart…

Deep breath….

I have said “yes,” and my “yes” to Jesus has led me here. So I am going in! Reservations and fears must submit to the greater power of His love. I am SO ready for Him to have His full way in me!

So, as a part of my journey, I wrote a poem, which I am sharing here {disclaimer: it is NOT a short poem, so please don’t try to gulp it down in a quick attempt to cram something edifying in…this will be better appreciated in a quiet space where your heart can identify and respond to its own pain}.

I pray it speaks to you, but more importantly, I pray it moves you to have the courage to trust God in whatever He is asking you to say “yes” to. Together, may we discover the depths of His amazing goodness!

Fight for Love

Broken. 

That is what “Love” has been for me.

So broken

that I haven’t known how to fix it.

Oh, I know I’ve tried.

Pathetically.

Passionately.

Desperately.

And fearfully.

I have not failed for trying.

But I have failed at the single,

most critical point, when it comes to love:

Letting go.

 

Because there has been this

broken

root

down deep in the pit of my soul,

that tries so hard to hold on

to everything I know.

So that even “letting go”

becomes holding on,

and releasing

always turns to

retaining

some measure of control

over what has access to my heart.

 

And I am

tired

of being broken.

I am

ready

to let go

of holding on,

and to discover something

so much greater

than I,

in my brokenness,

have known.

 

Love.

Love that is

Patient.

Kind.

Gentle.

Preserving,

even when I am undeserving.

Good,

even when I am bad.

Cherishing,

even when I cannot see my own worth.

Love

that does not depend on me

for its survival.

 

I want to open myself up to

a love that is

never manipulating,

never destructive,

never untrustworthy,

never emptying.

A love that never leaves me with less than I came in with.

 

A love that has called to me since the womb of my existence.

A love that I forsook,

to taste –

always –

something less.

 

I want to know the love that has pursued me down into the depths

of my ravaged darkness;

The darkness I have cultivated and learned to make my home.

The darkness that now feels like comfort to me,

this walled-in shelter in which I would be

content to stay…

Except that there is One Who always comes knocking here…

He is not content that I should remain,

and is,

always

and ever,

seeking to draw me out of my bed

made of pain.

He has

“more”

and “better”

for me,

He claims…

 

I want to live in the love that has held out its warm hands to me

for as long as I can remember.

With every shattered illusion, those hands have reached in.

With every crushed hope, they have invited me back into the safety of truth.

With every blow to my broken identity, they have come,

pierced with the marks of their own brokenness,

reminding me that there was a place of redemption still waiting for me,

a place where all my ashes could still be turned into something of beauty.

 

I want to abandon these bars of resistance,

this vow of my reinforced disbelief in love.

I want to forsake the control I have set up

to keep me “safe” from the vulnerabilities of love.

Because that control has become a monster,

a guardian,

standing between me 

and the one thing I most need

and yet deeply fear.

And I don’t want it here,

anymore.

 

Because

relentless is the compelling force of this love toward my broken heart.

And for all of the caution my control is throwing up,

like red flags on a dead end road,

Love has already begun to have its way –

pulling me out of measure and into fullness,

out of shadows and into truth,

out of something and into SomeOne

Who has the power to change

Everything.

I can feel it,

I can feel Him,

moving in…

 

Even where my faith is faltering,

deterred by deep-seated memories

I cannot dig my way through,

Love has hooked me.

And all of my resistance,

like an avalanche of years and tears,

built to protect my wounds,

is giving way to the sight of promise,

somehow.

 

I have been here before,

where the ground gives way to a sliver of light.

It is a familiar place of trembling that my heart knows well.

If history voices its argument in this hour,

retreat is inevitable,

for my strongholds have been built

from its repeated disappointments.

There is truth to the claims which have

supported and strengthened

my walls.

 

Still,

There is a stronger voice which speaks,

a greater argument,

from a greater history,

rising up to tell its truth,

And my soul is finding it hard to resist

the claims that have come to tear down my walls…

 

I have hidden here for so long.

The thought of leaving indeed inspires terror,

And yet I am drawn to the edges of my cage.

Risk fills the air around me like the putrid stench of death

looming on a hazy horizon.

Do I dare to take this step?

I am familiar with what is at stake.

I know well the cost of agreeing to come out,

of giving my heart over once again.

 

But this is an undeniable moment of choice…

I have been compelled into a pivotal place.

And while my heart is shouting: “Stay safe!,”

a voice that is deeper than my pain is whispering, “I know you,”

and somehow that feels more like home to me than anything ever has.

 

So I walk to the edge of this place I have known for so many years,

preparing my heart to say

goodbye.

I have,

undeniably,

been called to a new place,

to a new day.

And somehow, by a strength and a hope that are not my own,

I believe in the Love that lives there.

And I want to go.

No matter what it costs me.

 

With a deep, releasing breath,

I choose

to

let

go.

I am

letting go,

renouncing my age-old friend,

control,

and stepping into covenant with a new power,

a power not my own;

a power so much greater than I have ever known.

 

With all of Heaven, I agree:

Love will have its way in me!

And, forever, my life will tell a new story:

the story of how love was always meant to be.

 

Jesus, I surrender to the fight You have won for me.

I believe, Jesus.

I believe in the power of your Love to heal me.

August 29, 2018

{Photo images courtesy of http://www.pixabay.com}